Sappho Sez ... an advice column

Dear Sappho,
I never thought I’d do this but I feel compelled to write you. Every three months for the past year, I’ve read your column aloud to my partner. First I’d read all the letters from women with questions for you. Then we’d try to guess which one would provoke you to answer with a “nonviolent communication is the key” response. Actually, it’s never that difficult since that’s your basic answer to every dumb question these women write in about. Where do they come from, anyway? They can’t be for real! But that’s beside the point. I recently attended the quarterly business meeting of a women’s nonprofit group, since I was considering joining their board. One woman there took up a lot of the meeting time with some really negative leading questions about a recent fundraiser the group had held. She whined on and on through the entire meeting. It was tedious and uncomfortable and I just wanted someone to tell her to shut up. Her diatribe had little to do with anything on the agenda, though she claimed a connection in each instance. She finally brought the meeting to a halt when, on the verge of tears, she ranted, “I’ve been a member of this organization for 13 years. I’ve brought in new members every year. I’m here for every board meeting and I volunteer for every fundraiser. And not one of you came over to help at my booth!” It seemed like the situation would take the rest of the evening to resolve and I was looking for a back door in order to escape, when a little old woman who had come in halfway through the meeting, quietly stated, “It sounds like you’re really hurt and angry because when you were in need of assistance and wanted moral support for your new project, all the other volunteers were engaged in other activities and didn’t offer to help you.” Less than three minutes of conversation later, the wound up woman had calmed down and seemed content not to be the center of attention for the remainder of the meeting. I connected with the little old woman before I left and asked her exactly what had happened back there. She told me that she had used empathy to hear the other woman’s needs behind her feelings and that once she felt really heard, the woman was able to let go of controlling the meeting. She went on to say that she had spent the last year working in a small group with other people who wanted to learn to communicate more effectively in their intimate relationships. I had my comeuppance when, in response to all my questions, she referred me to her nonviolent communication group. Now, I’m two months into an NVC group (not the AR one you go on about) and I’m writing you, Sappho, to say I’m now a believer and I’ll never be able to make fun of you again. Well, at least, not with the same amount of glee.

Learning Empathy in Iowa

Dear Learning,
Thanks for your honest letter and for sharing your experience of witnessing an episode of nonviolent communication in action. In my personal life, I’m really just now barely beginning to get a gut-level feel for the avoidance of falling into my usual, old, very well-established patterns of behaving. I recently experienced a personal epiphany while engaged in working through a problem with a close friend. It occurred to me while I was in the midst of being dragged down emotionally, that I didn’t have to go there to that old familiar place in response to her expression of feelings. The epiphany was experiential rather than intellectual; I already “knew” her feelings and reactions were hers and really had nothing to do with me or my behavior. But, to actually catch myself in the act of dragging myself down and to be able to stop that process was enlightening and freeing: “Wow, I really can listen and be understanding without making judgments on myself.” I’m excited at the prospect of joining another class on nonviolent communication this fall in order to deepen my understanding of the precept of empathy and how to extend it to myself as well as others.
Sappho