Sappho Sez

An Advice Column for the Clueless

Last quarter a reader (“Looking for the perfect answer”) wrote asking for a solution to the challenge of individuals, within couples, with different needs for space and companionship. Having pondered that issue myself and failing to come up with one solution that works for both individuals, I asked our readers to offer their remedies. Here are excerpts from some of your letters:

“The only way two people can really work out a relationship is to live together. It’s so much simpler than maintaining two homes. Living is just easier if there’s always someone around to help especially as we age. Issues that come up can be settled right there and the two can get on with their lives and take care of down to earth matters like vacuuming and making meals. I’m just amazed that people who love each other don’t want to spend as much time as possible together. What’s a relationship all about for those people? “Looking” seems like a selfish person to me. Maybe she doesn’t really want to be in relationship.”

(from “Disgusted” in Missouri)

“Thanks to “Looking” for addressing the couple’s living together/not living together question. I have not been able to find a partner who doesn’t expect to pull up in the proverbial old U Haul once we’ve slept together.”

(from “Staying Single” in Illinois)

“I’ve been won over by my loving and thoughtful partner of 5 years to understand that it really is possible to be in a healthy relationship without living together. I didn’t think I would be able to live separately but have come to realize that nebulous fears and acceptance of the typical nuclear family idea have kept me from realizing my own need for personal space… [My partner’s] patience and willingness to listen to my woes without judgment or blame, her insistence on taking care of herself within our relationship have opened up my vision of who I can and want to be… Best of all, our time together is of a very high quality. I find I can be more loving, more present than in past relationships.”

(from “Happier Than I Ever Thought I’d Be”
in Fayetteville, AR)

“It’s all such a struggle. I want to say—no—yell, scream, “I’ve had as much as I can take. Go away, leave me alone, find a partner who wants to be joined at the hip” and worse. But that’s from my childhood training, isn’t it? I also just want her to know my need for space is no reflection on my love for her. But that’s wrong, too. Of course, it’s a reflection of my deep regard for her that I want to take care of myself, that I care enough to be honest about my needs, that I’m unwilling to “go along” while I build resentments.”

(from “Struggling But Willing To Stay The Course”
in Combs, AR)

Thanks to everyone who wrote on this issue. I tried to present a range of views from all the opinions expressed and I wish space allowed all of your letters to be printed. Of course, there is no one-size-fits-all solution to this question, but your words may offer insight to readers looking for relief that they’ve been unable to find while living in the midst of their struggle.

Sappho